This is sure to be a must-read:

Bibliophilia by Michael Griffith.

Some excerpts from the San Francisco Gate review:

A librarian stuck in a sexless marriage is deputized to thwart student hanky-panky in the stacks, a man afraid to tell his parents he's gay gets trapped in a chimpanzee cage, and a father literally becomes a pawn in his teenage son's life-size chess game at a county fair. That's just a sampling of what goes on in Michael Griffith's "Bibliophilia," a novella and five stories that are only occasionally credible and always sardonic, clever and beautifully stylized.

In the title novella, for example, Myrtle, the middle-aged librarian/sex policewoman, demands that the real police use a rape kit on a mangled grapefruit in order to prove that a student with a duffel bag filled with fruit and vegetables has been copulating with citrus at the school library.

I can imagine the dialogue:

Student - 'Hey, I don't see a sign that says "No Fruit Copulation in the Library". '

Librarian - 'Doesn't the sign clearly state "No food or drink in the library"?

Student - 'Does it look like I ate the grapefruit?'

Sadly (or perhaps mercifully), only the title story is library-related.