Before I fulfill the promise of the post’s title, let me update you on my so-called TwitteRetreat. It lasted about three days, during which time I really didn’t check in with Twitter at all. On the third day, I popped in once, remarked on the strength of my compulsion to get back in the ring and left for another day.
The following day, I came across a situation where I needed the counsel of my trusted network. They came through and then some. I knew right then I wouldn’t be able to stay away forever.
So I’ve renegotiated my relationship with Twitter. I’m only following the conversations intermittently, during down times. I’m being more selective about updating my own status. I’m only monitoring direct messages and replies to my tweets. This has allowed me to stay part of the community with far less moment-to-moment commitment. It’s far more manageable and I’ve had little trouble letting go of the things I’m missing and am not trying to catch up on conversations gone by.
Anyway, a situation arose on Friday that I found perplexing and which reminded me that, at the end of the TwitteRetreat post, I’d committed to saying more about how I manage my social networks. I received a friend request on Facebook from someone with whom I was not familiar. Not all that unusual and not something I shy away from.
On both Twitter and Facebook, I have an informal rule that I be conversational with anyone who wants to be part of my social network. Many of you reading this know that already. I want to feel connected in some way to the people who I see in my friends list on Facebook or my followers list on Twitter. It’s really a pretty low threshold for calling two people connected and it usually consists of me sending a message to the requester asking the following two questions: “Who are you? Why follow me?” On Facebook, the second question is “Why be my friend?” This is known affectionately (or otherwise) by some as “The Quiz.” I point out in my messages that these questions are meant conversationally, not curtly. Hard to do much with 140 characters interview-wise.
The responses I get to the questions are varied, but the vast majority of people at least answer. Some people are really appreciative of the message and my efforts to engage. One person told me that they actually respected me more for asking. It is, admittedly, a hoop of sorts, as I’m not interested in people who are just padding their numbers. In every case where the person has responded with something more than “Facebook said we should be friends,” I’ve been able to sustain enough interaction and conversation to consider the person part of my world. The relationship has meaning and context.
And now, back to our story. So I sent this person my usual introductory message, including the quiz. A day or so later, when I was dipping back into Twitter, I noticed the very same person requesting to follow me on Twitter. “OK, this person really wants to engage me,” I’m thinking to myself.
Twitter, unfortunately, does not allow me to direct message someone who doesn’t follow me (which is a good policy to avoid spamming and such, but I’d like an exception for when someone you don’t know is requesting to follow you).* So in order to make an another attempt to chat, I accept the request. And because I always follow people who follow me, I also start following this person at the same time. I send the new follower a direct message saying that I’m going to skip the usual quiz, since I expect to chat on Facebook. No response.
A few days later, I saw that this person was sending out tweets, so I thought I’d make another attempt at interaction. “Hi there. Still haven’t heard from you here or on Facebook. Don’t want to conversate? 
” Without directly quoting the response I got, the person essentially said “Not really. Want to save Facebook for real faces. Have had great conversations here.”
Mind you, I’d have taken a conversation in either place, but now this person has done two things: 1. Indicated that, despite seeking great conversations, they don’t want to talk to me. 2. Wasted my time by telling me they want to be my friend, when in fact, they don’t. And why would you ask to friend me on Facebook, if you are saving Facebook for real faces?!?!?!
I was blown away. With Facebook, it’s trivial to ignore a friend request, which was my next move. On Twitter, the situation is a little trickier. In order to attempt conversation, I had to accept this person as a follower. Once it is clear that I don’t really want this person as a follower, I have no choice but to block them. I really hate doing this. I’m sure this is a perfectly nice person with whom I have no interest in creating static. But I don’t want people to be part of my Twitter conversation who aren’t willing to engage me personally. Period. Your approach may be different and that’s great.
This is actually the third person I’ve blocked for similar reasons. When I mentioned this on Twitter, a very interesting discussion emerged. I was asked about how I define my social network and how this compares with my approaches to Flickr or this blog.
Flickr is an interesting case. I actually have no control (to my knowledge) of who adds me as a contact, but I have complete control of which people I consider friends or family members. Most of my pics are only available to friends and family. For someone to be considered my friend on Flickr and thus have access to images of my personal life, I expect to have already established a relationship with them somewhere else, whether it’s on Facebook or Twitter, via the comments on this blog or somewhere out in the real world. Flickr is not, in and of itself, a place where I network. For other people, it is.
And that’s the main point of what has become yet another too-long blog post: everyone has a different idea of where social networking happens and what it looks like. I surely have a different philosophy than most of the people who read this blog. But it’s essential to me that I connect directly with the people that I consider to be within my social networks. It’s the primary element that gives it any meaning at all.
* Jessamyn West has indicated to me that Spaz will allow you to direct message someone who doesn’t follow you, but my attempts to do so were fruitless.
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